Grey clouds and fading smiles
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Another heartbreaking episode. Brendan hits Ste again. Stendan.


**Grey clouds and fading smiles :)**

I should've been there with you, I should've just ignored what you said, I can see this is killing you and I want to help you, we're in this together remember? I wait around for a call or some kind of communication from you, but it never comes. Instead you turn up at your Cheryl's engagement do drunk as a skunk and all I want to do now is get you home. You're so stubborn at times. You bring everything up and we start to argue again and I don't want to do this now, but you push and push and push.

I see that familiar look in your eyes as you glare at me. I worry for a split second but then I think better of it, I know you'd never hurt me now. You're looking at me like you hate me, like I'm the root of all your unresolved anger; the look of disgust is evident on your face now. I hate thinking your guilty, but I've been there haven't i? i'm shouting at you and your eyes are wide...black and I can see your inner rage, I should know I've seen it, I've pushed you to this before. I didn't think that this would be the outcome though.

I don't feel the first punch, maybe through disbelief that this is actually happening all over again, but reality soon kicks in and I can feel my heart breaking. I'm on the floor, I cover my hands over my face, hoping that this is just a nightmare that I'm gonna wake up from soon. That I'm safe in your arms instead, but the punches keep coming and I wonder if you are ever going to stop. Is this how I'm going to die? Beaten by your hands, the man I love, the only man I've ever loved. The tears are streaming down my face and I'm screaming inside begging you to stop, to not ruin what we've got. But you're not there anymore, at least the Brendan I love. You're a stranger to me, possessed by someone else…someone I thought I'd never see again.

I'm stuck here at this point and time had stood still, at least that's what it feels like now that history has repeated itself. I believed whole heartedly that you'd never hurt me again, you have shown me that things were different, that parts of you had changed and I accepted that because it brought us back together again. You are all I've ever wanted, the good, the bad, all of you and I wouldn't change it even if I could…except for this time because it hurts so much more now. You love me so much, but you seem to hurt me the most.

I told you I'm not going anywhere and I'm still not going anywhere, so if you wanna use me as a punch bag then go for it. It's all I've ever known anyway. Maybe I've just got to accept that this is how my life will be, no matter how much I try to change it. You are so angry why? What has happened to you? Why can't you just tell me? I've only ever wanted to love and support you, to be there for you, so why do this now when we've come so far?

You'll regret this I know, you always do. You'll say sorry, that it will never happen again, but it will happen again won't it? Unless you get help and deal with your aggression and I'm here…I always have been. Don't destroy my love for you; don't throw it all away when I need you just as much as you need me. Together we can get through this, I know we can, but you need professional help as well otherwise we won't make it and I want to make it with you so badly. You are everything to me, don't break me again please…I'm begging you now.

I gave up my life for you, I gave up my kids, don't prove them all right but putting me through all of this again. I know you are good deep down, I've seen it. You just need to stay away from the darkness before it consumes you…before it's too late. Fight whatever it is that's taking you there again, don't fight me. After the handful of punches you stop and your back to the Brendan I know, but the damage is done now and suddenly the fear I used to have about you is back. I walk away from you, what else can I do? You might hurt me again and I don't think my face could take it as I can now feel the blood dripping down.

I don't know how I'm going to feel about this tomorrow, when I wake up alone and see my battered face. See that once more you've caused me physical pain because I spoke my mind. I thought that was one of the things you loved about me? I love you Brendan right with all my heart, but I don't like you right now. Yeah I think you're guilty, yeah I think you're like your dad but does that give you the right to beat me?

Why does it always end this way for us? I've only ever tried to stand by you, no matter what. Doesn't it mean more to you that I think your guilty but still want to be with you anyway? I can't lie to you, you know that. Maybe all we ever had was Dublin and a few good weeks, because since then it's been so hard and the saddest thing is, it's not because of us, it's because of everyone else. I guess I should've known better, I should've seen the grey clouds and fading smiles.

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